This story is hard. It’s sensitive. Embarrassing. Emotional. Tragic. So many words and feelings. This is not something to take lightly because it happens to 1 in 175 births each year. I know my self I have over that many friends alone on social media. It can happen to anyone. I can happen for many reasons some making sense and others not. I have realized though that since our loss of our angel baby I have discovered many people close to me that have had similar situations, and I’ve realized that I would not have known about their stories if I had not experienced mine. That breaks my heart. These babies should be celebrated as any other baby is. Not hidden. These babies should be apart of our conversations, not awkwardly ignored even though we all know the elephant is in the room. From the moment you hear that heart beat, these babies should be acknowledged and celebrated no matter the outcome.

My living family consists of my amazing husband and two spirited little boys. However, if I were to explain my whole family on both sides of the veil, it would be my five children. We have had three losses in the last five years. Two earlier miscarriages, and then our baby boy. It has been an extremely difficult journey especially as the age gap widens between my two living children and the possibility of a new baby and that gets extremely stressful. My favorite comment as of late is “are you going to have anymore.” Well shit, it ain’t for lack of trying.

I am sharing this story because I want too but also because I am tired of talking alone about it. I want connections with others that have similar stories. I joke with a few close friends with their own loss stories that we are “forever trauma bonded.” I love feeling these connections though, knowing that these people understand me so much more on a deeper level and you can truly feel everything you need to. I have not completely healed nor will I ever, but my wound is not as big because I did it with others.
What you are going to read is based off of my perspective. It involves spiritual matters which some may not align with but I have no judgement if you think or believe differently. Everyone has their own journey in life and I just want to share a piece of mine in a safe place so others can hopefully feel safe enough to maybe share a small piece of theirs.

I have written these journal entries in day to day order from the moment we found out till the day our baby boy was born and on. Write now I think I only have the capacity to do day by day. Writing this first entry has taken me hours full of tears and many, many breaks, due to the trips down memory lane. It is filled with so much everything: emotions energy, tears, love so that doing it all at once seems to be an impossible feat right now. Each journal entry is dated because the days and times are so clear in my head that it felt like it happened last week, which it did, but just a year ago though. I hope you can read this with an open heart because mine opened even bigger because of my son.

July 3, 2023

Our rainbow baby doesn’t have a beating heart anymore. I have felt this feeling too many times before. I knew it but I don’t want to admit it since he was so close! I feel hopeless and completely numb. But at the same time I knew. I knew before I knew. Movement stopped a few days ago but I just didn’t want to admit that he wasn’t there anymore. In a way I feel my brain was protecting itself, preparing for the loss so when the Doppler did not find anything I had already accepted it. It’s not something that I want to admit openly. But I do admit it to myself. Yesterday, we were at a family BBQ. I was talking with one of my best friends and I was explaining my feelings to her about what I was feeling inside of me. I told her that I think I was still feeling him, but I’ll be honest, I didn’t think I was. But I already knew. I was embarrassed. Why should I feel embarrassed about not feeling my baby move? Maybe because I wasn’t being a good mom and calling my midwives and freaking out about it. Maybe I was really embarrassed because this would be the third loss in a row. I don’t know but all I truly felt was inadequacy and embarrassment.

The kids and I had just gotten home from the Curiosity Museum so that I could have my midwife appointment. I sat their answering all the questions they were asking dreading the time to measure and listen for a heart beat. My heart was pounding and my stomach sick. I laid down and held back the tears because I just knew. Just a few minutes. Maybe two. Felt like forever though. My sweet midwife looked at me and didn’t say anything but her face said it all. I sat up. I looked back at her and said it was okay. I understood completely. I sat there. I didn’t want to cry because of embarrassment. I’m glad my mom was there because I didn’t have the guts to tell her later. I didn’t have the guts to tell anyone. After I (officially) found out I had to go outside and tell Jordan. That was painful but he has admitted to me that he prefers blunt and straightforward communication. So I told him straight out, “Hun the midwives didn’t find his heart beat, can you come inside and help me figure out what we need to do next.” The look in his eyes was disbelief, confusion and the realization that it had happened again. He took a deep breath, tears welling in his eyes and he followed me back inside our home. Then it hit me. How come I wasn’t crying yet. I sat on the couch with him on the arm chair. My sweet midwives shared the news with him too and we talked of the things that we were to plan next. Then I cried. But it was a weird cry. It was pain, discomfort mixed with anxiety, confusion and a little bit of relief. The relief came from knowing officially what I already new. My gut or instincts were right all along and I don’t know how to take that. That did not make it any easier to know that he was gone but I felt that I could trust my instincts and my body. It gave me the relief to never doubt myself. But I cried and felt it all. He was so close. 

It was time to tell our boys. Jordan needs time on his own to start processing the loss. My boys came into the room and my oldest immediately knew something was wrong. I said that their baby brother went back to heaven. My oldest’s response was he was so close. My youngest said yay and can push on your belly now. Humorous.. his form of coping. Gets it from his mom. So we all felt it and tried to wrap our brains around it. 

One of my sweet friends came up to the door with a super sweet 4th of July gift, not realizing what she was walking into. My mom answered the door and asked if she heard. My friend responded no but she had the feeling that she needed to stop by today. I knew that someone was watching out for me. No other reason that she would have stopped. I walked up to her and hugged her thanked her for the gift. Next thing I know Jordan is back at work on the van. He had called his best friend and they came rushing over after work. Our bishop and dear friend came over as we were standing out in the driveway. Didn’t have much to say where Jordan and I still couldn’t believe what was happening. I laughed, then teared up, laughed some more. Of course I would be laughing to cope. Our friends were asking us what they could do to help and I just said their really isn’t much else to do. Just have to have the baby first before anything else.

The next move was to go to the hospital to get everything in official writing. Thankfully my midwives took care of all of the calling, scheduling, and communicating to the doctors and nurses. Jordan and I didn’t have to lift a finger. He arrived at the hospital in the evening and were admitted into a room. Communication of the nursing staff was not ideal and they were trying to set us up to stay. Jordan was not happy with what was happening and thankfully he talked to the nurses and my midwives stepped in to clarify what we were doing there. My anxiety was high because I did not want anything to do with the hospital. I could not bring myself to birth there again no matter the circumstances. For life or death I would choose to be there but this was not the case. The doctor finally came in with her team and did the ultrasound. He was officially declared passed and so she went on to ask my plan. An overwhelming strength and sense of peace came over me and helped me to say, “We are going to have him at home.”  The looks on everyone’s faces were disbelief. The sweet doctor began to inform me of all the complications that could happen and what to look for so I could come back if any of it occurred. I felt so safe looking at my midwives and my husband that I told her I appreciated her concern and if any of that were to happen I would definitely come back for help. But I knew I wouldn’t need it. 

After getting home and relaxing, putting the boys to bed and laying down myself I felt that I had made the right choice. I fell asleep with Jordan close because these would be the last few days we would be able to hold our baby boy. He fell asleep on my tummy. Jordan is not a very feely person when I am pregnant with our babies. He doesn’t touch my tummy a lot or do much like that. But tonight was a different story. I finally dozed off until I woke up in the middle of the night with anxiety and nervousness. Did I make the right choice having him at home?

I am not the person to take pictures of myself while pregnant. The only pictures I have of my other pregnancies are ones that other people of taken of me. I felt that I should take these pictures. I think I know why now. They were take July 2nd, the day before. The picture on the right is my sweet husband, Jordan laying on my stomach.