I felt a little more relaxed this morning until the texts started coming in from the midwives, the volunteer from Share Parents and neighbors. Never did I realize I would be planning a birth and burial. We were planning a funeral. Me. How could this happen. How could we have lost our baby.

My emotions are coming and going in waves. One minute I am so overwhelmed with sadness and the next I am angry. Then back to sadness and then to numbness, if you consider that an emotion. Or I guess could be lack of emotions. Sadness came when thoughts of what could have been flooded my mind. Could have had an early birthday and been a firework baby, could have had three boys all in the same house. My boys could have had a baby brother. That hurt the worst. Feeling like I have failed my older boys in not giving them what they really want, a sibling. Then the anger sets in because why. Why would something like this happen. How could something like this happen. It makes some sense if you lose your baby at the beginning of pregnancy because that means things were not as viable as they should have been. Doesn’t make losing an early pregnancy any easier. I have already had two of those but this hurts so much worse. Why allow my little boy to grow to full term and then his heart stops. I feel so embarrassed.

We have been trying for three years to have another baby and for three years in a row, lost them. One right after another. No break, no time to cope, just time to stop bleeding and get back to life. I’m embarrassed because I am so tired of telling people that I failed. I don’t know why my babies have not made it but the roller coaster of excitement and then grief is stupid and I want off. My body is growing exhausted from trying to think, balance my emotions, and still function as a wife, mother and human being. I’d rather not do anything… ever… again.

I spent the morning in bed hoping that labor would get going. Its’s crazy when you are pregnant to think and feel a living being growing and moving in side of you. If you think it through without emotions, it can kind of be really creepy actually. But laying here on my bed I was thinking how freaky it was to have a dead baby inside of me. It’s breaking me. I am curled up and crying. My head is throbbing, my nose is so stuffed I feel like I can’t breathe let alone function. I honestly have never felt so heavy in my whole life.

Jordan ran a few errands for work and I was home with the boys. They are watching tv and playing with toys almost as if nothing was going on. I am so grateful for their spirits right now. Their innocence makes it easier for me to cope knowing I don’t have to help them through their emotions yet or at least I think so. Being alone in my own head sucks. We have all been dealing with this so differently. The hard part is we are all doing it at the same time in different ways. I don’t know how to truly help my boys let alone help myself.

My midwives are setting up everything for me with calling different mortuaries. I am so grateful but at the same time it hurts because I don’t want to think about that yet. He isn’t even earth side yet. I am shaking so hard right now and in disbelief. I can’t believe that any of this is happening. How long have I even been laying here for, between crying and dozing off.
I fell asleep and am starting to feel physically better but my emotions feel so debilitating. Things feel a little bit better as the day has gone on but I feel so numb. I don’t think my poor boys fully understand what is going on. My eyes are so swollen I feel like a marshmallow. I finally was able to get out of bed for a minute and go to the bathroom. My poor bladder still cannot hold anything, reminding me that I am still pregnant.

My sweet volunteer from Share Parents has reached out to me. One of my midwives was a student midwife at the birth of her third child. Her story however is so similar to mine. Her third child, little boy, no heart beat found at her 39 week appointment and he was born still. She knew exactly where I was coming from. I didn’t quite know how to talk to her because I had never met her, seen what she looks like and I am supposed to use her for support in this time? How do I connect? I asked her the hard questions that I knew no one would never be able to answer for me. I asked her if she was ever scared to give birth to a still child, knowing that he couldn’t stay. Was she ever scared to hold him knowing what she knew. Her responses were so perfect.

The plan is for Logan to be born at home. I still want this, but I’m scared of the idea of what if something goes wrong. Talking to the volunteer, is helping me so much and I feel that the direction I am going in is the right one and I didn’t need to be scared as long as I believe in myself. But I knew that I would know my son when he came earth side. No matter what he looked like, he would be mine. 

The rest of the day has been a complete blur. I feel so numb and the tears come in waves, especially when it comes to planning what we’re gonna do with baby boy after he gets here. It’s been a little difficult talking to Jordan about things because I know he hurts as much as I do. He really has left a lot of the decisions up to me. I am not great at making decisions, and this situation makes it so difficult. I have found myself only crying when he does. Today is so hard though because it’s the Fourth of July. We have to keep going for our boys though. I don’t want the events of the last few days to over shadow the time that I do have with my whole family. And I do mean whole family. This will be one of the last days that we will be able to be with his body.  

We had some friends over for dinner and games, and it really was a blessing because we spent the evening laughing and talking and enjoying a break from the world and our grief. It was such a good distraction. My brain works out of sight out of mind and since we had others hanging with us I didn’t spend much time thinking about anything else really. Contractions still were not consistent but they were at least happening. So we enjoyed the night and the time we still had all together. 
The Fourth of July has always been one of my most favorite holidays. It is now my most loved and hated holiday.